I gave my heart a brush and she started painting

I find my comfort in painting. I can’t say it is therapy, but when tormenting thoughts are taking over my mind this is the only way I can make them disappear. My brain might be a bit special. When I start thinking about something, when I get obsessed over ideas I can’t ignore them, I can’t stop the flow of information. This is my own snowball effect with thoughts. After hours of concentrating on a painting I manage to move all those things that keep my head busy from their original place to paper or canvas. I feel at ease. I feel light. I feel exhausted and at the same time good that again I managed to tame my demons. 

My heart and mind are connected. Too much I would say. In all my paintings there is a part of me. There is much sincerity and openness. I say through them what others would be embarrassed to hear.  

I have a native talent, but for some reason I had a blockage. I could not feel the colors. Now I know I needed to reach a different level of sensitivity. Walls had to be taken down in order to open the gate of the fortress. Maybe I needed to get weirder and also to grow. I took no special classes, but I am sure that under supervision and training I can bring into the world extraordinary works of art. I feel there is no limit to what I can create with paint and brushes. 

I am a baby that learns how to crawl. Wait and watch me run!

Thank you for breaking me!

I am still angry at you for making me distance myself from people that I once trusted, but I don't regret doing so because they were not really my friends. Maybe I didn't want to see their true faces, but you forced me to see them. I can't say just how many times you disappointed me. When I said you couldn't get worse you made that happen. Love can make people confused. You are in pain but under anesthetic. When the lie shatters so does your world. I wanted to trust you too much, so much more than you ever deserved. I listened to you lie to me knowing the truth. The dirt inside you infected me. I got sick. I couldn't think straight. I was so sick I wanted to take my heart out. I had ideas in my head no normal person should have. There was a time I thought I was fine, but you did one last thing that filled the cup. One might think it was a small issue, but for me it wasn't. All the things that you did hit me again at the same time. All the hurt from all those bad times invaded my soul. My world was not mine anymore. I felt the depths of desperation once again but so much worse than before. You shouldn't feel embarrassed by me telling my story to others, because you were not embarrassed when you lied. You are no victim. There are so many victims around you that don't realize they are your victims.
I thank you for making me meet another me. When I hid inside myself I met another me. She was shaking when she saw me. She was so sensitive and weak that I was afraid of her. I embraced her and I fell into her. Now I cry more often. I occasionally surrender to depression. I don't smile to everyone anymore. I don't say yes to everyone anymore. I learned to accept this because I received so much more instead. I smartened up. I learned to see through words and people. I received love, hate, care, pain, fear, courage, desperation, compassion, empathy, anger, anguish, frustration, loneliness, creativity, sadness, numerous emotions, and a gate opened. The gate that unlocked my talent. I could draw and paint now. Art can't be created without feelings. I know I will grow into someone I will like. I pity you because only I know the truth. Your gate is shut. You closed it a long time ago and forgot where you placed the key.  No matter what lies you say to the ones around you, you lost your true self.

Thank you for releasing me!