The Heat

This heat is killing me
It grows and grows
It takes my breath away
It burns me from inside while outside it is freezing cold
Hurts so much
I write to cool it off
I care not of what you think
For before I cared too much

I tremble under the pressure
I seem to follow patterns that should be broken
Walking in a circle of misery
I shall no longer listen to the heat
Embracing the cold seems a good idea says reason

Maybe on another path I will find happiness
  

Hidden in the soul lays the impatient love... Not ever again

Wounds do heal.
It takes some time.
A new love sprouts.
The mouth is closed.
Restless heart wants to shout it out.
Fear of distant pain traps the courage.
And he might never learn for I am frozen.

Epilog
You can learn from your mistakes but you can never be sure of people's true intentions.
So I'll just close the doors of my heart and I'll put it to sleep for good.

"Repetition is the mother of learning" does not apply to relationships!

"Repetition is the mother of the dumb"

Experience has taught me that not matter what you say to others if their eyes are closed they won't hear you. I learned something else from my experience as well. If you feel that something is wrong then stop, don't go on with what you were doing to do. Don't go for this joke ... "it's better to regret something you did than regret not doing it". Trust me you don't have an instinct for nothing. I can sadly say that my instinct has proven 90% correct. I don't like that, but I learned to hear it out and not ignore it.

Reason should also be heard. Don't ignore it because your stupid heart and/or your hormones tell you something else. I broken one of my principles once. Every bone in my body told me that it was wrong, but I went on with it. I may have learned something from all the pain I received as reward for my mistake, but I am not sure it was worth it.

Mistakes will be done as they are part of the growing process. If you continue to go back to the place you left from and that broke you once, then you are the greatest fool! Smarten up, learn from your mistakes, and don't do it again! My smart physics teacher once told us in class that "repetition is the mother of the dumb". Learn this! "Repetition is the mother of learning" does not apply to relationships because people don't change. If you like repeating your mistakes in your personal life then you must deserve what is coming for you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I gave my heart a brush and she started painting

I find my comfort in painting. I can’t say it is therapy, but when tormenting thoughts are taking over my mind this is the only way I can make them disappear. My brain might be a bit special. When I start thinking about something, when I get obsessed over ideas I can’t ignore them, I can’t stop the flow of information. This is my own snowball effect with thoughts. After hours of concentrating on a painting I manage to move all those things that keep my head busy from their original place to paper or canvas. I feel at ease. I feel light. I feel exhausted and at the same time good that again I managed to tame my demons. 

My heart and mind are connected. Too much I would say. In all my paintings there is a part of me. There is much sincerity and openness. I say through them what others would be embarrassed to hear.  

I have a native talent, but for some reason I had a blockage. I could not feel the colors. Now I know I needed to reach a different level of sensitivity. Walls had to be taken down in order to open the gate of the fortress. Maybe I needed to get weirder and also to grow. I took no special classes, but I am sure that under supervision and training I can bring into the world extraordinary works of art. I feel there is no limit to what I can create with paint and brushes. 

I am a baby that learns how to crawl. Wait and watch me run!

Thank you for breaking me!

I am still angry at you for making me distance myself from people that I once trusted, but I don't regret doing so because they were not really my friends. Maybe I didn't want to see their true faces, but you forced me to see them. I can't say just how many times you disappointed me. When I said you couldn't get worse you made that happen. Love can make people confused. You are in pain but under anesthetic. When the lie shatters so does your world. I wanted to trust you too much, so much more than you ever deserved. I listened to you lie to me knowing the truth. The dirt inside you infected me. I got sick. I couldn't think straight. I was so sick I wanted to take my heart out. I had ideas in my head no normal person should have. There was a time I thought I was fine, but you did one last thing that filled the cup. One might think it was a small issue, but for me it wasn't. All the things that you did hit me again at the same time. All the hurt from all those bad times invaded my soul. My world was not mine anymore. I felt the depths of desperation once again but so much worse than before. You shouldn't feel embarrassed by me telling my story to others, because you were not embarrassed when you lied. You are no victim. There are so many victims around you that don't realize they are your victims.
I thank you for making me meet another me. When I hid inside myself I met another me. She was shaking when she saw me. She was so sensitive and weak that I was afraid of her. I embraced her and I fell into her. Now I cry more often. I occasionally surrender to depression. I don't smile to everyone anymore. I don't say yes to everyone anymore. I learned to accept this because I received so much more instead. I smartened up. I learned to see through words and people. I received love, hate, care, pain, fear, courage, desperation, compassion, empathy, anger, anguish, frustration, loneliness, creativity, sadness, numerous emotions, and a gate opened. The gate that unlocked my talent. I could draw and paint now. Art can't be created without feelings. I know I will grow into someone I will like. I pity you because only I know the truth. Your gate is shut. You closed it a long time ago and forgot where you placed the key.  No matter what lies you say to the ones around you, you lost your true self.

Thank you for releasing me!

Work! Love! Party! Family! Friends! Experiment! Evolve! Relax! Unleash creativity! Be in peace with yourself! Be a woman!

 Work! Love! Party! Family! Friends! Experiment! Evolve! Relax! Unleash creativity! Be in peace with yourself! Be a woman!

Aaaaaaaa come on!!! This is not fair and is freaking tiring!
We are bringing this upon ourselves that is for sure.

In our desperate struggle to succeed in all, to bring down misconceptions, to prove something that the majority of the men don't actually want to admit, we turned ourselves into superwomen.
The better we become the smaller the world becomes, the more we ask from life, from the people around us, from our career, from our partners, and in all this chaos we try to maintain a balance, to find the time to look after our inner self so we don't go totally crazy. 
All of this is tiring as hell and at times it feels like the price paid it's too high.
Unfortunately the current society won't allow you to get lazy, sloppy, or take a longer breath from it's flow.
This trend of superwomen might stop when the ladies will have enough influence to change the current.
Some men think that women are not capable enough to take on higher responsibilities in society and some women think that men won't allow them to reach their full potential.
When men will change their medieval thinking and women will put away their resentments then we will be able to reset the rules of society, to create together a world with equal chances for both sexes.

Until then may you ladies have your wits about you and your health in check!

(I enjoyed myself a little playing with Photoshop :)))) )

"Either seem as you are or be as you seem." - Mevlana (Rumi)

"Either seem as you are or be as you seem."
Mevlana (Rumi)

In Turkish:

"Ya olduğun gibi görün ya da göründüğün gibi ol."

So what Mevlana wants to say is that people should be honest with themselves and the rest of the world by presenting their true nature as it is, and their appearance and behavior should reflect their real thoughts.

This quote determined me to have a little one day experiment on my Facebook page. I asked my Facebook friends to tell me the first word that comes into their minds when they think of me. The result lead me to think that either I am not that popular, or the question was to weird for them because I only had 12 replies and some likes to some of the comments. I bet that some people think that this is one of my ways to feed my ego. They are partially true. I knew I will get some answers that will be viciously devoured by my self esteem, but don't tell me you don't get moved by compliments because I won't believe it. I was also curious of how people perceive me. Here it is:

This little experiment finally showed me that the persons that replied know me, or better said they perceive me in a way that reflects my character or parts of it. I was very happy. So the question now is: is it that they learned to read me, or is it me the one that presented herself in a way that she could recognize herself from an anonymous description of one of those people? I would answer that there can't be one without the other.

Understanding others comes from understanding ourselves. 

One can read the impression he/she has on others from just one word even if that word is apparently related to the physical appearance. You don't need to study psychology. All of this comes from reason and from intuition that comes from experience. 

There is always room from improvement.

Look at yourself carefully and honestly analyze yourself. Restrain your vanity from attacking and have a sincere talk with you. You will find a wide range of emotions, many of those you would like to have hidden. Some are harmful and some can be food for a brighter ego, a better self esteem. Don't choose out of  fear, vanity or comfort, but choose which of these emotions you want to help grow so they can also help you develop into the person you want to be and that you would be proud to present to the world.

Be courageous and don't give up.

Have faith that there is at least one person that will in all ways accept you for who you truly are. Even if there is just one don't give up because if you are happy with yourself then appreciation of others will follow even from people you would not expect.

The greatest work of our lives is self-development.

Never stop putting effort in your self-development. Widen your range of emotions as much as possible and continuously try to learn new things. Still don't forget to keep it real. Don't do unnecessary things that will not bring real value to your life.

So what about trying this experiment for yourselves and see how others see you?
Good luck friends!