Clar Visator

Clar Visator - a Photo and Video Studio

Farewell my dear Past!

For many years I have lived my present surrounded by traces of my past. Those traces were people, were memories, were resentments, were emotions. I have tormented myself for a long time with thoughts like ... "What have I done wrong?", "What could I have done better?", "How couldn't I see this coming?", "Why did you think this time it would be better?", "Why did you trust the wrong person again?" Some believe I am hard on people and that I expect too much from them. Yes that is true but they also fail to see that I am the hardest on myself and that I don't expect what I can't deliver. Not everybody is like me I know.

So many memories. So much effort put in keeping others happy. I tried to change mentalities. I tried to do what others were too comfortable to do. I had the wrong audience. They had another agenda. I had many "friends" and then I got to know them. Some of them just look like nice people from far away. Later I learned that I tried to get close to some people that had other principles in life. They see liberty as the liberty to do whatever they want without thinking of another. Some think that people are just objects to play around with. I can't agree with that. So I left. Twice. 

This is the second time and the last time.

I'll leave my past with the people that I don't feel compatible with behind me for good. And I am doing this for me because I don't want to lose more of my faith in people. I'll share my life with people that have the same principles as I have. I am turning to myself once and for all. I can accept only true friends.

I can't live like you. I either love with all of myself or I am cold as ice. I can't find a balance. I am loyal when I don't have too be. I am very intense in all aspects. I am sometimes hard to understand. There aren't many people that can. One needs a high level a sensitivity and willingness to use brain power if that person posses something like that of course.

I dislike people that are not sincere and that hide behind words. If I keep quiet it doesn't mean I actually trust your words. I trust what I see and what people do. Friends don't betray each other. I'll never be like you and people don't change so it is time to part our ways.

Goodbye forever people of my past!

The Heat

This heat is killing me
It grows and grows
It takes my breath away
It burns me from inside while outside it is freezing cold
Hurts so much
I write to cool it off
I care not of what you think
For before I cared too much

I tremble under the pressure
I seem to follow patterns that should be broken
Walking in a circle of misery
I shall no longer listen to the heat
Embracing the cold seems a good idea says reason

Maybe on another path I will find happiness
  

Hidden in the soul lays the impatient love... Not ever again

Wounds do heal.
It takes some time.
A new love sprouts.
The mouth is closed.
Restless heart wants to shout it out.
Fear of distant pain traps the courage.
And he might never learn for I am frozen.

Epilog
You can learn from your mistakes but you can never be sure of people's true intentions.
So I'll just close the doors of my heart and I'll put it to sleep for good.

"Repetition is the mother of learning" does not apply to relationships!

"Repetition is the mother of the dumb"

Experience has taught me that not matter what you say to others if their eyes are closed they won't hear you. I learned something else from my experience as well. If you feel that something is wrong then stop, don't go on with what you were doing to do. Don't go for this joke ... "it's better to regret something you did than regret not doing it". Trust me you don't have an instinct for nothing. I can sadly say that my instinct has proven 90% correct. I don't like that, but I learned to hear it out and not ignore it.

Reason should also be heard. Don't ignore it because your stupid heart and/or your hormones tell you something else. I broken one of my principles once. Every bone in my body told me that it was wrong, but I went on with it. I may have learned something from all the pain I received as reward for my mistake, but I am not sure it was worth it.

Mistakes will be done as they are part of the growing process. If you continue to go back to the place you left from and that broke you once, then you are the greatest fool! Smarten up, learn from your mistakes, and don't do it again! My smart physics teacher once told us in class that "repetition is the mother of the dumb". Learn this! "Repetition is the mother of learning" does not apply to relationships because people don't change. If you like repeating your mistakes in your personal life then you must deserve what is coming for you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I gave my heart a brush and she started painting

I find my comfort in painting. I can’t say it is therapy, but when tormenting thoughts are taking over my mind this is the only way I can make them disappear. My brain might be a bit special. When I start thinking about something, when I get obsessed over ideas I can’t ignore them, I can’t stop the flow of information. This is my own snowball effect with thoughts. After hours of concentrating on a painting I manage to move all those things that keep my head busy from their original place to paper or canvas. I feel at ease. I feel light. I feel exhausted and at the same time good that again I managed to tame my demons. 

My heart and mind are connected. Too much I would say. In all my paintings there is a part of me. There is much sincerity and openness. I say through them what others would be embarrassed to hear.  

I have a native talent, but for some reason I had a blockage. I could not feel the colors. Now I know I needed to reach a different level of sensitivity. Walls had to be taken down in order to open the gate of the fortress. Maybe I needed to get weirder and also to grow. I took no special classes, but I am sure that under supervision and training I can bring into the world extraordinary works of art. I feel there is no limit to what I can create with paint and brushes. 

I am a baby that learns how to crawl. Wait and watch me run!

Thank you for breaking me!

I am still angry at you for making me distance myself from people that I once trusted, but I don't regret doing so because they were not really my friends. Maybe I didn't want to see their true faces, but you forced me to see them. I can't say just how many times you disappointed me. When I said you couldn't get worse you made that happen. Love can make people confused. You are in pain but under anesthetic. When the lie shatters so does your world. I wanted to trust you too much, so much more than you ever deserved. I listened to you lie to me knowing the truth. The dirt inside you infected me. I got sick. I couldn't think straight. I was so sick I wanted to take my heart out. I had ideas in my head no normal person should have. There was a time I thought I was fine, but you did one last thing that filled the cup. One might think it was a small issue, but for me it wasn't. All the things that you did hit me again at the same time. All the hurt from all those bad times invaded my soul. My world was not mine anymore. I felt the depths of desperation once again but so much worse than before. You shouldn't feel embarrassed by me telling my story to others, because you were not embarrassed when you lied. You are no victim. There are so many victims around you that don't realize they are your victims.
I thank you for making me meet another me. When I hid inside myself I met another me. She was shaking when she saw me. She was so sensitive and weak that I was afraid of her. I embraced her and I fell into her. Now I cry more often. I occasionally surrender to depression. I don't smile to everyone anymore. I don't say yes to everyone anymore. I learned to accept this because I received so much more instead. I smartened up. I learned to see through words and people. I received love, hate, care, pain, fear, courage, desperation, compassion, empathy, anger, anguish, frustration, loneliness, creativity, sadness, numerous emotions, and a gate opened. The gate that unlocked my talent. I could draw and paint now. Art can't be created without feelings. I know I will grow into someone I will like. I pity you because only I know the truth. Your gate is shut. You closed it a long time ago and forgot where you placed the key.  No matter what lies you say to the ones around you, you lost your true self.

Thank you for releasing me!